I have played God today. As I write this, one life is being absorbed into another. For some reason, I thought I had it in me to own a snake. I have a pet rat, for Christ’s sakes. Anyway, as you might have guessed, it’s feeding day, and I chose the most adorable little motherfucker in the world to send to her death. Not on purpose, I’m not that fucked up. Bear hamsters are just the right size, though. And ball pythons, for some reason, like hamsters particularly. Have you ever even seen a bear hamster? They look kinda like a mouse. But with a short stubby tail, so when they walk, they kinda look like a bear. A tiny little hand-sized mouse-bear. I ask you: What in the world is cuter than a tiny little hand-sized mouse bear? That beats a kitten in a cast by like 58 points. The girl at the pet store made it so hard on me. For some reason, you’re not allowed to buy the rodents at most pet stores for food. Snake food, that is. Probably not for human consumption either. I told her I wanted to buy the hamster. She eyed me suspiciously and asked “Do you want it for a friend, or food?” I knew the password.
“Oh, for a friend, definitely!” I said with an innocent smile. But the bitch just couldn’t shut her mouth.
“Oh, good, then I can sell you that one no problem. Isn’t she adorable? I love the bear hamsters. I just cleaned her cage and fed her this morning. I wanted to get one myself, because they’re just so gosh darn adorable.”
Fuck. As my stomach sinks, I tell her,
“Oh, I completely agree. Adorable. That’s why I’m getting her.” So transparent.
“You have her house and all her supplies yet? They like chew toys, so make sure you get some of those.”
“Yeah. It’s…it’s all at my house. Just waitin’ for her. To live there.”
On the way home Scott tried to make me feel better.
“See, that’s why I can’t ever have a pet snake. I just don’t think it’s right to decide to keep an animal where you have to kill other animals to keep it.” He took the little thing out of its box and displayed its cute little face so I knew what a horrible person I was.
“Yeah, well, just don’t name it.”
“Oh, I already did. I’m going to tell you what the name is after you kill it, too.”
Oh what a comfort a significant other can be.
As you folks can see from the video, it only took about thirty seconds for Sindel to murder the poor unsuspecting bear hamster. I don’t know if you can tell, but when the snake struck I jumped about ten feet in the air. I believe you can hear me say, “That scared the SHIT out of me.” I wouldn’t have normally watched like that, but I already knew I was going to have to therapeutically write about this. So, essentially, I did it for you guys. When it was over I went upstairs and told Scott. He said,
“I can’t believe you killed Quincy.”
Does anyone want my snake?
-Alex
“Oh, for a friend, definitely!” I said with an innocent smile. But the bitch just couldn’t shut her mouth.
“Oh, good, then I can sell you that one no problem. Isn’t she adorable? I love the bear hamsters. I just cleaned her cage and fed her this morning. I wanted to get one myself, because they’re just so gosh darn adorable.”
Fuck. As my stomach sinks, I tell her,
“Oh, I completely agree. Adorable. That’s why I’m getting her.” So transparent.
“You have her house and all her supplies yet? They like chew toys, so make sure you get some of those.”
“Yeah. It’s…it’s all at my house. Just waitin’ for her. To live there.”
On the way home Scott tried to make me feel better.
“See, that’s why I can’t ever have a pet snake. I just don’t think it’s right to decide to keep an animal where you have to kill other animals to keep it.” He took the little thing out of its box and displayed its cute little face so I knew what a horrible person I was.
“Yeah, well, just don’t name it.”
“Oh, I already did. I’m going to tell you what the name is after you kill it, too.”
Oh what a comfort a significant other can be.
As you folks can see from the video, it only took about thirty seconds for Sindel to murder the poor unsuspecting bear hamster. I don’t know if you can tell, but when the snake struck I jumped about ten feet in the air. I believe you can hear me say, “That scared the SHIT out of me.” I wouldn’t have normally watched like that, but I already knew I was going to have to therapeutically write about this. So, essentially, I did it for you guys. When it was over I went upstairs and told Scott. He said,
“I can’t believe you killed Quincy.”
Does anyone want my snake?
-Alex