From now on, I will answer to nothing less than "Jesus 'The fucking Martyr' Bring-the-Pain Christ". Quiz time: Which is more likely to get you fired: a) saying your manager is a hefty lip-flapping, potato chip eating moo-cow, or b) asking which one of your geriatric co-workers has knocked back the most man-chowder? The answer is c) I got fired from Fabric Depot for both of those things. That's absolutely correct, ladies and gentlemen: My last blog got me fired from Fabric Depot. In my own defense, if The Grandmas are reading Mr. Yuck, then they have probably done things that warrant my public inquiry into their sexual lives. Also in my own defense: What, they can't take a joke? I'm sorry, I thought we got Saddam Husein, but no, he's alive and well, and working at Fabric Depot. Doesn't an employee have the right to rail mercilessly on their co-workers and bosses in their free time and put it in public for all to see? Well I call it a fucking infringement. I want the mo' fuckin' ACLU, The Supreme Court, and Johnny Cochran in this bitch. Also, I've hired a witchdoctor to summon George Carlin from his grave, because he needs to be in on this too. Old people must be evolving, because last I checked, they didn't have internet capabilities. Although, I should have known something was up when they hired me for the website department. The Website. Department. Because that's where I worked. The dick-suckiest part about all this is that I didn't even get to use my discount. And there's still things I want to buy there! But can I show my face in there? NO. Here's what I'm thinking: Since I pretty much monetarily died for y'all's yucky reading sins, you guys basically owe me. And as Jesus needed you to believe that he existed as the son of god in exchange for his sacrafice, I'm going to need a mule. I send you in with some cash, you go in, you don't say a word to anyone, you buy that $7.99 corset pattern I want, smuggle it out in your stomach or ass hole, and I'll meet you around back wearing a mustache and trench coat. Then I'll give you some ipecac until you throw up the pattern. I might have to gut you to get it out, because it's pretty big, but you're right next to Fabric Depot, and they have needles and thread out the wazoo in there, so I don't want to hear any sass. I also want some vinyl, lace, and some passion suede, so...you might want to go to clown school and learn that trick where they pull all the handkerchiefs out of their throat, because it will help with me not gutting you. As for the rest of you, who won't be swallowing sewing paraphernalia and throwing them up for me, a simple middle finger to the man will suffice to repay me. So next time you're in Fabric Depot (or anywhere else that hates America, and everything that it stands for) scoot around on their carpet with your asshole. Take a long morning-after-New-Year's piss in their cash register. Use their candy aisle to shoot your own bukaki film. Tell 'em Alex set you. And tell 'em you're doin' it for good old Uncle Sam.
-Alex
Two political parties represent the “majority” of the people of the United States. They are, of course, the Republican and Democratic parties. For some reason, the huge variety of ideologies, beliefs and values that Americans hold have been summed up into two caricatures: The Queer-Sexual, Baby-Killin’ Socialist liberal, or the Gun-Totin’ Welfare-Hatin’, Money-Makin’ Republican. Liberalism and conservatism being inextricably linked with Democrats and Republicans, respectively. Why is this? I know people. Those people think stuff. And that stuff is nowhere close to either of these representations. I can’t say I really am either. How about this: I’m not pro-choice. I’m in favor of small government. I’m also in favor of the death penalty. (most of you are thinking “Whaaaaaa?? I thought this chick had dreads…”) Calm down, you guys, FUCK! I also think marijuana, gay marriage and minor public urination should be legal. I think ass-tons of money should be poured into schools, that public access television should include free hard-core porn, and that there should be more public funding for election candidates so that regular people have more than a pimp’s chance in church of getting elected.
Where the fuck is my party? I mean most of that stuff isn’t even an obscure grouping of values. I consider myself a fairly average example of my peers. Why are all of our candidates Christian? I’m not friends with a single Christian (that I know of). It’s not because I don’t like them, I don’t have a problem with Christians. And it’s not to say they’re not out there because god knows (ha ha?) they’re out there. But there is a large percentage of people in the U.S. that don’t consider themselves religious. Where the fuck is our party? I want a public figure who can say to the media, “Fuck you, that’s none of your business, and it doesn’t affect my politics or my golf game, or my reality TV show whether or not I twisted a stripper‘s nipples, or sucked some guy‘s dick at a truck stop. SO SUCK IT, AMERICA.” Because I know there are plenty of people like me out there who would simply respond with, “….Fair enough.” Other democratic nations have 5 or 6 major parties. Maybe that’s why so many people just don’t vote in the U.S. Because it’s so often a choice between the lesser or two evils. Basically, my whole point is that it’s ridiculous that in a nation as incredibly diverse and varied as America is, the two-party system has a stronghold over us, and it really gets my goat. What should we do about it? Fuck if I know, I’m too busy with other shit to figure it out. Vote or some shit like that. Read a book, burn down a building, I don’t know…..
-Alex
Last night as I was roaming around the internet I happened upon this video, and thought that I would share his ignorance with you.
Now, I am not in any way religious, nor do I support most organized religion. I believe religion is to be a personal, spiritual journey and should not be shared with the masses. But, what this guy is doing here, and the claims he makes, are totally irrational. Does he not realize the sheer age of the Bible? For shits sake, it’s over 2,000 years old! Now, I agree with him that the Bible should not be read in public, nor shared with people outside of church/church groups. Also, the Bible should not be used in a court of law, strictly because its use infringes every American citizens right to freedom of religion. However, in his ridiculous quest to persuade people to hate the Bible, he is in fact giving it the power he is trying to take from it. Let me deconstruct his little video;
Every passage he uses to smash the Bible and prove that it is “repulsive” was written over 2,000 years ago. In America we haven’t stoned anyone to death since the early 1900’s, not in the name of the Bible, that is. These passages are outdated, and haven’t been used as situation precedents or guidelines since the early creation of our country. Ultimately, even Christians know the Bible is full of a bunch of outdated ideals and practices. This guy is just as bad as those religious nuts who think it’s ok to kill others “in the name of god.” This guy is the kind of guy you’d see “killing in the name of humanity” or some bullshit like that. What a moron. I guess to him the Bible is more important than the Constitution. I cannot stress enough the fact that we live in a country that allows us to believe in any religious deity we choose. Why the hell isn’t he deconstructing the Book of Mormon, or the Koran, or the Book of Scientology? Sure, the Bible has some ridiculous passages, and some pretty brutal imagery, but that’s how they dealt with things back in the day. This dude needs to read a damn history book, or maybe move the hell out of this country so his claims actually have some relevance. Fuck him for trying to impede on my right to read what I wish, believe what I want and think for my god damned self.
-Shane
